Rumble in the Workplace

Christy Schutz

Advertising Director

As Director at a niche, advertising, marketing, communications and specialty services firm, I develop customized, innovative strategies for my clients that help them stay ahead of the pack. I've held a couple of other gigs over the past 16+ years too... in settings like corporate internal marke...

Rumble in the Workplace

Christy

Saturday, May, 24, 2008

“The Jets are gonna have their day. Tonight.”

“The Sharks are gonna have their way. Tonight.”

It was a typical Sunday evening. I was switching gears from the weekend to the work week by mentally reviewing my upcoming work agenda. I was not long before my thoughts would wander to the extremely uncomfortable conflict I was facing at the office. And almost as soon as I would start to feel that heavy anxiety start to settle into the pit of my stomach, I would start to remember the angst-ridden lyrics from the musical “West Side Story.”

“We're gonna hand 'em a surprise. Tonight.”

“We're gonna cut 'em down to size. Tonight.”

“We said, ‘O.K., no rumpus, No tricks.’ But just in case they jump us, we're ready to mix. Tonight.”

In the play, there are two feuding gangs, the Jets and the Sharks, who express their desire to tear each other from limb to limb, with the plot line escalating through each well choreographed musical number.

I could hardly believe it, but, I found myself knee-deep in my own dramatic office conflict. Only I was NOT singing and dancing.

This was completely foreign territory for me. As a high achiever in my company, I was used to enjoying a considerable amount of respect from my managers, colleagues, and staff. And while I liked to think I had grown up enough professionally to let go of the need to have everyone at work “like me,” the out and out LOATHING my co-worker Pat* displayed toward me was unnerving.

After we were assigned to work on several key projects together, it quickly became apparent that we had very different work styles. I was a big picture thinker and less detailed, regimented and analytical. I often tested the boundaries and re-invented/refined solutions as I went along. Pat’s world was much simpler. There were two ways to do things: her way or the wrong way. She would NEVER question the process, and had detail orientation down to an exact science!

I figured I was the more flexible one of the two, so I went into overtime trying to change my approach to suit her. This only seemed to make her more disagreeable. I spent the next several months putting up with put downs, exasperated body language (rolling her eyes, slamming doors, huffing out of my office each time we had to speak, etc.),nasty-gram emails, and loud, dramatic, embarrassing public outbursts.

At first I ignored it. Then, I confronted it several times (once even with our manager present…at her request). Then, I resorted to fantasizing about Broadway musicals, with Pat and I cast as the feuding gang members, the two of us brawling with switchblades and kitschy dance moves.

“We’re gonna hand ‘em a surprise. Tonight.”

“We’re gonna cut ‘em down to size. Tonight.”

When I found myself battling ongoing anxiety and dreading work each morning, I knew I had to do something different…and fast.

In their book “Working with You Is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work,” authors Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster outline several important reasons to transcend office conflicts. The negative physical effects (like nausea, headaches, stiff neck, insomnia, etc.), emotional responses (anxiety, depression, tears, etc.), or unproductive mental activity (loss of concentration, fantasies about musical renditions of gang fights, obsessive thinking) will obviously affect your performance at work. Crowley and Elster describe these unresolved, vicious cycles with your co-workers as “hooks,” and they leave you feeling just like they sound…stuck!

The book offers a solution by outlining four practical steps to take to stop the insanity:

Unhook Physically:

Do something to get that negative physical energy OUT! Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, incorporate regular exercise into your daily routine, and etc. Do whatever it takes to give your physical body an outlet so that you will have a fighting chance of thinking clearly.

Unhook Mentally:

Crowley and Elster describe this step as “…talking yourself down off the ledge.” They recommend using your rationale brain to determine all the facts in the situation. What is really happening? What part do you and your adversary play in this? What solutions are available to you?

Unhook Verbally (aka High-road Communication):

The next step outlined is to settle on a verbal option that will help you to safely work your way out of the workplace “trap.” This could include saying no in a judicious way when you find yourself overcommitted and asked to take something else on, speaking up when you need to, or possibly, not saying anything at all (like allowing those “pregnant pauses” to occur when your boss does not immediately respond to your request for a raise).

Unhooking Verbally is also known as “High-road communication,” which Crowley and Elster define as communication that is void of judgment, anger, and accusations. It is also expressly designed to help you take responsibility for your part in the situation. “Taking the high road isn’t about smoothing things over or being too nice,” they explain. “It’s about communicating effectively, in a way that enables the listener to hear your ideas. It creates a bridge (not a wedge) between you and the person whose behavior is driving you crazy.”

Unhook with a Business Tool:

In this step, the authors are talking about contracts, emails, memos, timesheets, recaps, agendas, documented performance appraisals, job descriptions, company policies, formalized sales goals, and etc. These documents are designed to move the scenario from the emotional realm back into the business context. Think carefully about which tools will work best for a given situation. For example, a clearly outlined job description coupled with your most recent written performance evaluation (the one that detailed how you are going above and beyond, exceeding all expectations, meeting or beating sales goals, etc.) are powerful tools to have in hand when negotiating with your tight-fisted boss for a raise.

This book was chock full of real life examples of how to apply these principles at work. Crowley and Elster also included information on dealing with difficult bosses, uncooperative employees, toxic co-workers, healthy work environments, and what to consider when you think it might be time to get out.

In my case, once I got a hold of Crowley and Elster’s book, took a step back and put some perspective on my situation with Pat, I realized it was not REALLY about me at all. And in the end, I was right. Turns out Pam was going through an intensely stressful situation in her personal life (I later learned she was facing the eventual death of one of her close family members in Hospice). Once I put it all into context, I almost felt glad that Pat had chosen to let off some steam with me. My respect in her was also renewed. I imagined myself in her situation and realized I would not have been able to function even half as well as she was.

I learned one more thing in all of this. Confronting difficult situations at work can be critical, especially when the situation requires that a boundary be more clearly defined, or when you realize it is time to advocate for something you deserve (promotion, raise, etc.). There are other times when it is all nonsense. Petty personality conflicts…run of the mill ego stuff. In those cases, the only way there will be a conflict is if you agree to play the part. If you can take a step back, assess the facts, and determine that the problems have little to do with you at all, then, maybe you can look at that person you are having trouble relating to with some compassion and patience.

The truth is we can all probably recall at least one time or another when we MUST have been difficult to work with too.

And like most well-written drama’s, there is almost always a story behind the story.

* Of course “Pat” is not her real name. But, you probably already knew that!