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Staci Backauskas

When I couldn’t find a job after getting my journalism degree, I went back to school and got an EMT license – a pivotal choice that created the set point for my life. I caught a lot of flack for putting the employment search on hold. Some said I was impatient; others accused me of being too ar...

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The Self-Destruction Myth

Staci B

Self-destructive behavior comes in all sizes, shapes, and colors.  I had this thought driving home from the drugstore where my sole purpose was to purchase Advil.  Somehow, I also ended up with a large bag of cheese popcorn and caramel pinwheels in the bag, a carbohydrate balm to temporarily soothe some emotional growing pains.

On the self-destruction scale, popcorn and caramel are near the bottom.  Traveling upward, there are things like drug and alcohol abuse, unhealthy relationships, and road rage. Then there are the “tens” – like adult females having sex with underage boys.  This is self-destructive behavior that goes way beyond too many fat grams.

It’s easy to brand these women as sluts or sexual predators.  Many of the females I’ve talked to are disgusted, appalled, and extremely judgmental.  A lot of the men, on the other hand, say they learned about sex from an older woman and aren’t outraged in the least.  They claim they would have loved a slinky “cougar” as a teenaged playmate.

Some of the men drew a parallel to The Graduate.  Benjamin Braddock was twenty-one, I countered.  These are boys.  Horny boys, maybe, but boys nonetheless.  Many experts claim children can’t be responsible for deciding when they’re ready to have sex.  Then there’s the theory that our society’s puritanical mores are the problem.

On top of all this lays the accusation that there is a “double standard” – first, girls need to be protected while boys are made to feel less than if they encounter something beyond their scope.  Second, it’s horrible when a man molests a child, but when a woman does it, it’s “indoctrination.”  After all, boys think about sex a billion times a day and if they aren’t shown by someone who knows, how will they ever teach their girlfriends?  This is merely a perception that turns a blind eye to the shame felt by anyone forced to do something against his will, regardless of his body’s reaction to it.

What’s being ignored is the fact that abusing authority in any way is merely a symptom.  We have spent decades judging adults who seduce children.  We have devoted extraordinary energy to labeling the perpetrators and victimizing the kids.  We have assembled panels of experts to discuss the effects, argue the viability of childhood sexual behavior, and dissect the level of damage according to gender. 

It’s time to confront the problem. The level of self-destructive behavior is directly proportionate to the depth of one’s self-hatred.  Candace Pert demonstrates in The Molecules of Emotion that brain chemicals are changed by emotion.  So, yes, there are people, because of the extent of their self-hatred and the constant behavior driven by it, who have altered their brain chemistry to such a degree that it might not ever return to normal. 

There are also many, many, more who haven’t reached that point.  As long as we continue to focus on the symptom – self-destructive behavior manifested as sexual abuse – the problem of “self-hatred” will continue to proliferate.  The apparent epidemic of children being sexually abused is not just an issue of higher reporting levels.  It’s a direct result of treating the symptom and not the problem.  

You cannot hurt someone else without hurting yourself.  So whether it’s someone cutting a car off in traffic, stealing a wallet, eating too much popcorn, or molesting a child, it all springs from the same well.  All that’s different is the depth.  When we begin to honestly examine and forgive our own self-destructive behaviors, we will begin to recognize them in others without emotion or judgment.  Then we can bring into the light what we’ve learned from our own self analysis – it’s unnecessary.